Swine flu. Run for my life!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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