Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
