I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
