I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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