Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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