Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
