Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
oh god the rape fog is back!
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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