I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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