You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
