I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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