I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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