I never want to see another naked old woman again.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
