so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
