Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
