i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
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