Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
he just fucked me for my cheese..
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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