meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
