oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i was born a porn star she said
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
