Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
