Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
