just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
