Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
