Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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