i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
