Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
