I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
