first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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