Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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