you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
