i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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