Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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