ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Send help, water and tortillas.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
