you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
