Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
