The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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