She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
