If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
