i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
