Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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