Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
