what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
