Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
