i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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