woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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