This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
