I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
