do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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