Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
no, he came in my armpit
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
