you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
