did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
